mustard and miscellany

A story of love and hate

Mustard: the condiment of colonialism July 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Mustard and Miscellany @ 8:17 am
Tags: , , ,

Schu here — I’ve managed to hijack the blog from Stephanie yet again.

So there’s this board game. You might have heard of it. It’s called Clue. In Clue, you are provided snippets of information to try to solve a murder. Evil, dastardly stuff indeed.

Photo credit: sixwordstochangetheworld

The old murder adage is “the butler did it,” but in my world, it’s always the Colonel.

Colonel Mustard.

Just look at this guy. Pompous, bombastic, arrogant, haughty, smarmy, smug, and whatever other synonym seems appropriate from thesaurus.com. So full of himself. He claims to have a military past, or that of a big game hunter.

Photo credit: sixwordstochangetheworld

And what do military men and big game hunters do for sport? That’s right. They travel to new places. They conquer new places. They destroy the natural habitat.

But in this case, the only casualty is the taste bud.

With all its flavors and incarnations, mustard pretends to be the sophisticated condiment of the taste bud elite; its imperialist namesake wants to be viewed as superior to all others. Even the maid, Miss White, with whom he would probably like to taint through some sort of Mustard and Mayo tryst.

Indeed, mustard is to the condiment world what colonialism is to the real world. A desire to spread its influence into every possible realm, absorb its being and make it its own. This is why there are so many different kinds of mustard. Mustard is not content being just mustard. Mustard must influence the very nature of every plant, seed and substance it can infect.

Sadly, Stephanie has fallen victim to the rhetoric. As she continues her venture into mustard propaganda by reviewing a variety of different hybrid concoctions, just consider how pleasant that expansion really is. Has that spice-laden imperialist mentality really transformed the eating experience in a positive way, or has mustard simply contaminated everything that dares stand in its path?

Colonel Mustard probably killed in every one of these rooms

Photo credit: silysavg

For me the argument is simple and clear. Nothing is better because of the addition of mustard. That’s why there are so many tragic variations.

The sun never sets on the Colonel’s empire, yet I only crave darkness in Mustardville.

Ketchup just wants to peacefully go on your burger and make it taste better.

I long for simplicity. I long for a ketchup world.

Schu

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